I don’t have much to say. I’m okay I guess. Single. Reading the past entries makes me so… sad and heartbroken, still. Mainly the reason why I was avoiding this blog. :(

I’ll have something better to say soon I’m sure.

I am stressed out with school. This entire semester has been one big screwed up one, not because of me, but because of the teachers. This is mainly haircutting class. We haven’t learned everything we were supposed to this semester, and we also had three different teachers, which just made us even more confused. I’m freaking out for my exam. I don’t know how to do a caesar cut, and I am not that great at finger waves (which reminds me, I came across a picture of Tyra Banks on the set of Gossip Girl, with FINGER WAVES. OH FUCK SAKES, STOP TRYING TO BRING THAT SHIT BACK. UGH). I also have so many assignments and essays due next week, and I’m just freaking out so bad. :(

Other things that are getting to me is my parents financial situation, this is something I refuse to go into details about. I think I’ve only told one person everything about it, and refuse to tell anyone else. It’s shitty shitty shitty. Of course I get everything taken out on me. I’m the only one in the house not bringing in any form of income so everything is my fault. I’m sorry I spend 40 hours of my life a week, at school and just simply couldn’t handle having a job. :/ Another thing is my practically non-existent love life. I try and try so hard to be happy with what I have and accept that Edan and I are both busy with our own lives, but I feel so… down about it all the time. I just want to see him… and by the looks of things I won’t see him again until August, or maybe even September… I try to stay positive… but that positivity is fading away. I wish that he was around more so that I could talk to him but all these things I’m feeling lately, but he’s just… not there. :(

Also… I think that theres something wrong with my mom. I can’t seem to convince her to go to the hospital…

My life is slowly falling apart. :( There is so much more stuff I am feeling but just can’t seem to put it into words / don’t want to really talk about it. I come off as this big happy, funny person… but deep down inside, I don’t feel that way at all.

Also more and more each day, I’m getting more and more grossed out by poor personal hygiene. I’m sorry but if you don’t shower at least every other day… ew. I never used to care about these sort of things but now that I’m attending beauty school and learning about all the gross diseases and disorders you can get, especially from having poor hygiene, it disgusts me. I’m sorry but not showering for days on end, is not cool. Especially if you’re a female and are on your friggen period. K, I don’t know if you realize, but we can smell your rotten smelling vagina! haha D: I’ve come across girls like this and it’s DISGUSTING!

Life is looking up a bit, I’ve calmed down a lot the past few days. I’ve been kinda keeping to myself and just having really long life chats with Jessica at school. Her and I have become such good friends, and I love her to death. I’m so sick of the drama that’s going on about school, especially when one of the girls lies about what someone said to get another groups approval. I was right there when she got COMPLIMENTED and she goes and tells the other girls she was insulted. Grow up and get out of high school mode… oh wait… you JUST got out of high school last year… GAH. Oh yeah, another annoying thing about school… they have been getting on our cases about having purses and bags in the classroom, how about you guys tell us in person instead of writing us hatemail. Also, get after those who dress like slobs in client days with their tits hanging out and in trackpants. Seriously.

But onto my life, ahaha. Andrew apologized to me for everything he did to me back in December/January. I was not expecting that one at all. I’m obviously over it, and it’s just nice to know that it wasn’t me or anything, and that it was him and not being able to move on. I’m glad that we can be on friendly terms now. Kurt also messaged me yesterday… again. :/ He informed me that he’s coming back to Ontario next week and wants to hang out sometime. Ughhhh, not happening. I don’t want anything to do with that guy. It’s going to suck having to see him everyday at school next semester, which starts September. I’m 100% over him, as I found someone 30x more amazing and just… makes me smile so much. I really hate dudes, and how they try to come back into my life but I am not allowing it at all. I’ve fallen hard for someone, and he’s all that matters.

I’ve been doing well in school again, at the beginning of this semester, I was kind of slacking off and just… wasn’t in school mode. But lately these have been my marks on tests and assignments:

• Facials test – 41/50
• Nail diseases & disorders test – 41/50
• Carpal Tunnel essay – 50/50
• Presentation on Nail Psoriasis (with Jessica) – 48/50
• Creative Project: Updo – 20/20
• Disconnected Cut – 15/20

Yay :) I hope I maintain my high GPA and stay on the dean’s list.

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I’m out of control and at times hard to handle, but if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”

-Marilyn Monroe

So true.

I had this plan of staying at home, and finding a job in the area for the time being since I don’t have the money to move out right away but that is slowly becoming unappealing. I want away from Oxford County, I want to move somewhere, where I can live big dreams and actually become successful in the hair styling business. But even moving to Toronto sounds unappealing, but I don’t want to be far away from my parents. :( This is so hard. I hate growing up. I never really thought hard about all of this until now. I don’t want to be stuck in this awful hole, and stuck seeing the same people all the time… sigh.

I am a city girl at heart, stuck in the boonies.

In other news,

One of my close friends is getting married in January. I listen every day to her wedding plans, as excited as I am for her, it honestly bums me out so bad… I’ve been through so many failed relationships and seeing so many people getting married lately/engaged is sucky. Not that I want to get married at this age, because I think I’m still a little TOO young yet (aha), but I guess I just want something real, something that’s going to last. I’m so sick of being that girl that guys just sleep with and… chuck away. (frig, I’m actually starting to cry.) I always wonder and wonder if there is something wrong with me, but I’ve been told that there isn’t anything wrong with me, and that things just don’t work out for a reason. I try and try to believe that but I think almost every guy I date ends up:

a) going back to their ex
b) falling for one of my friends
c) ends up being gay or
d) just loses interest in me.

I really have fallen for someone recently though, and I do hope things work and such but it’s just hard with him living 45 minutes away. He also has school, and a personal life, so it’s not like we can see each other any time we want. :( It sucks but I really really do want something to come out of it. He spent my entire birthday weekend with me and it was just incredible with him. If it wasn’t for him honestly, my birthday would have sucked a lot. 12 cupcakes, dinner, and a movie… no one has done something like that for me.  Whenever I’m with him, I smile so much and he just makes me happy. I get butterflies like no other around him, and it’s just a nice feeling. Sigh.

I think I’m done rambling. :(

These following quotes are from my 2005 yearbook, and the most memorable:
“Sarah! (SXE Wannabe!)
OMFGZ I LYKE LUV U! hehe I’m so awesome and so are you. DOUBLE BELT IS SEXY! lol. Omg. Our walks at lnch are so sweet. And spending the night at KTL’s house! OH and Randi feeding us alcohol. Obviously we have toooo much fun together. Shows are the best with you. And windmilling & 2 steppin, yo. haha Sarah loves the guiche! haha Anyways your hott and I want your barbies!
Love Love Love Clarissa (the HXC one)”

Things definitely haven’t changed with this girl. Love love love her, except we don’t go to shows anymore and sleepover at my ex’s house, obviously. Randi moved to Montreal and I’m sure she still thinks I’m hot and wants my babies. Oh & double belt is SO not sexy. EW?

“Sarah G.
The first time I saw you, I hit on you and creeped you out. Then I forgot about you for a while. Now we went to subway and I signed your year book.
Ben Nielsen”

I’ll never forget when he hit on me. I was actually TERRIFIED and didn’t know what to think. I wasn’t used to guys hitting on me (I was getting out of my ugly stage at this time, haha sad but true). I still remember the subway lunch perfectly as well, it was me, Niall, Ben and Alanah… we skipped class I believe.

“SARAH! You doll!
I have had an amazing year and I definitely owe some of it to you! I’ll always remember hickies, VAGINA POWER, the sextuplets and the geek within you! We must hang out this summer, or I will likewise cry. Weezer meetup, new years (haha George.). Have a great summer (with me!)
<3 Paterson Hodgson”

Hickies, embarrassing. I showed up at school with so many of them on my neck and EVERYONE knew within a half hour. I swear I covered myself up. haha Vagina Power… the first few weeks of school, I hardly talked to anyone due to my shyness and being the new girl… my lunch table crew were talking about like feminism or some shit, and I screamed “VAGINA POWER!” and it was some of the first words anyone had heard me speak. hahaha Weezer meetup, we won’t go there.

“Saraaaaaaaah!
It’s the Matt and Sarah show! It’s been a great year, full of many twists and turns and drunken Mikeness and stuff like that. We all learned some very important lessons… I think… Have a great summer!
Matty Moskal”

Where the hell did he go? He literally disappeared from the face of the earth. Him and I were such close friends then bam.

“Oh Little Sarah.
How I do love thee. Remember the Unicorns and how I dance, the really fun times we had and the time when we played with an airhose at Mac’s.
Luff Always,
Mike Donohue”

AWW I LOVE HIMMM! We still talk once in a while and he’s still my favourite person ever even though we haven’t seen each other in years. I swear there is nothing to do in Ingersoll, hence why we played with an… air hose…”

“HI SARAH :) :) :) (bahaha KTL)
So I’m extremely happy that you moved to IDCI this year. I probably wouldn’t be such a regular “SCENIE” at the embassy/mutual building if not for you. Our search for the Devilman and gangsta rapping are etched in memory. AWW SKEET SKEET GODDAMN. Double Belt is cool. So is the Embassy bathroom! Awkward myspace people are hilarious too. I love you wanksta gangsta who robs da bankstas
Less than three!
Alanah”

First friend at IDCI and the friend I miss the most. Honestly so many amazing memories. Love that we were known as the scene kids back in the day… bahaha

“Hey Sarah! I remember one time at Alanah’s house you grabbed my body after I played gay chicken and it was funny and I laughed because you never spoke to me before that day. And that is how we met. Have a good summer and keep the touching of strange mohawked punk boys down to a minimum.
Jesse Fleming”

I swear I accidentally grabbed him. hahaha

These following quotes are from my 2006 yearbook:
“<3 SARAH GOWING.
I always write incredibly cheesy things when I don’t know what to say. So I apologize in advance. This year has been brilliant. Our friendship bloomed and you made coming to school a treat just to see you! Even though you won’t be here next year, I am positive that we will be great friends and love each other just as much as now.
You put a smile on my face Sarah Gowing!
Love on yah <3 Julia
(PS I keep showing people your grad bio cuz I’m in it!)”

I miss her.

“Miss Sarah Gowing
There is too much to write. Lunch walks. Going to shows. Shopping. It was an amazing year. Projects together, hangouts with friends, etc. It sucks that you are going to be gone next year and leave me by myself. You are a great girl, and I am thankful for myspace for meeting you. Anyways lots of hangouts this summer!
Love always,
Clarissa ANSTEE!”

I remember this making me tear up because I wouldn’t be there the following year! Love love love her.

“Keep ur Chevy ridin’ low!
Kody Redman”

AHAHAHA, this always made me laugh. He sat next to me in Travel & Tourism class, and drove me insane!

“Sarah is pretty and is funny.
Tyler Wallis”

ahahaha love him.

“Hey hottie,
I guess I’m supposed to say some cliche things like um… good journey! Best wishes! and my phone number is 51953WILD1. Hell yes. I’ll shut up, I love you little gamer girl with your pretty blonde hair. Seriously, two crazy teachers per semester and I wouldn’t be able to last in the classes without you. We’re sweet together, and this time we won’t fight because we are too good looking to fight.
I love you sweets,
Jen Scott =)”

Still my best friend, and we haven’t fought since we became friends again. :) Just so you know, that is my old phone number from when I lived in Woodstock. hahaha

“Dear Sarah,
Thank you for putting my name in your bio, you are the coolest old bitch I know, have a sexy summer!
Love ya, Danno”

AHAHA AWW DAN THURTELLLLLLL

“Dear Sarah,
You are small. You also have blonde hair. I’ll probably see you in the summer and foods has been fun. Good luck on all your endeavors and don’t touch little boys.
Love, Niall Collins”

I like how Jen wrote “love” in. Miss this boy. Also, little boys? Dammit, I need to stop going for guys younger than me… haha.

Something I noticed was the amount of phone numbers I got in these yearbooks… I never called any of these numbers except like Clarissa’s. ahaha Half of the people that gave me their numbers, I hardly knew! I miss high school sometimes.

My grad biography kills me.

Sarah Gowing
Thanks for the best last year of high school IDCI! AR’s house, New Years, the many many shows, Warped Tour, being the girl that “apparently” never talks, OCC!, lunch table crew, teamlafours, 2-stepping in the hallway, creepy myspace people and the famous lunch walks. Keep cool my babies! CA, JH, JS, NC, HP, SM, DANTHURTELL, JB, JF, WF, MM, SH, DL, JW. “Catch the wind, see us spin, sail away, leave the day, way up high in the sky.” – Led Zeppelin

I can’t even name those initials besides Clarissa Anstee, Julia Hodgson, Jen Scott, Niall Collins, Heather Pembleton, Sabrina Mitchell, Dan Thurtell, Jenna Brooks, Warren Fritzgerald, Matt Millson, Sunny Howdick, Jen Wolan…. who are the others? WTF.

Okay, must finish project.

I feel like I don’t have anyone here I can actually talk to, I mean I have my hair girls that have become such amazing friends towards me but they don’t know my past and what I’ve dealt with. I mean, I did vent a lot to Edan last weekend but I just feel weird doing so since we haven’t known each other for that long and I don’t want to weird him out or scare him away, even though I know he wants me to talk to him and let everything out… Then my other friends, are just busy with their life and have their own problems to deal with. I just don’t want to be a pest I guess. I know I have Clarissa and always have, but I also know she’s dealing with some hard things herself. I love you. I wish I could talk to my mom about these things but honestly, I can’t. She’ll tell me to get over it or make a big deal out of everything.

Things are kind of sucking at home. I really just want to disappear for a while but you know, I have school and can’t do that. I really need a vacation. It’s just so hard to describe how I feel right now. I’m just so overwhelmed with everything. I felt like everything was on track this year and that I was finally truly happy… now these awful feelings have come back. I just wish I could easily explain how I feel and have someone completely understand me. You know?

I’m sorry to anyone that I start acting weird towards in any way, or end up snapping on. I know there have been a few people that I’ve done this to already. :( I’m just so on edge and everything is just going to get worse in a few weeks, exams are quickly coming. I don’t think I’m going to do as well as last semester which bums me out. But after exams, that means I get to have some sort of vacation. Maybe I’ll be okay then. Hopefully.

I also hope this sickness that I’ve had for a good month and a half goes away soon. I don’t have time to go to the doctor’s which is so frustrating. :( I am sick of this cough and snotty nose, ew.

I find myself smiling so much when I’m around him, or when I’m talking to him. :) I love this feeling.

I need a vacation. I’m sick of school. eughguisaga

Today was a really boring day. I had class from 9am – 11am, we didn’t really learn much. Took up a test, took up homework and then learned about decolourization, soap caps, and some other method of highlighting. It was pretty boring and a short class. I really hate the classroom we’re in though, it honestly feels like a friggen jail cell & I’m extremely claustrophobic. :|

Hmm what else… oh! My hamster is doing well! I never wrote about this but last week she was really sick and I was convinced that she was going to die. :( So my mom made sure she was getitng some sort of food and still hydrated… and she seems to be back to her normal self! Such good news. :)

I think I’m going to Hamilton this weekend to see a certain cutie again. :) I hope everything works outtt.

He’s perfect. :)

Poopies I'm bored.

Edan, come kidnap me. :)