I haven’t written in here in a long time.
I don’t have much to say. I’m okay I guess. Single. Reading the past entries makes me so… sad and heartbroken, still. Mainly the reason why I was avoiding this blog. :(
I’ll have something better to say soon I’m sure.
When people message me asking me how I am, I always simply reply saying “good” or “okay”. But the truth is, I’m neither. I am honestly a big friggen emotional mess. There is so much going on in my life right now, and it’s causing me to have constant breakdowns. I just cry and cry, sometimes for an hour, sometimes even longer.
I am stressed out with school. This entire semester has been one big screwed up one, not because of me, but because of the teachers. This is mainly haircutting class. We haven’t learned everything we were supposed to this semester, and we also had three different teachers, which just made us even more confused. I’m freaking out for my exam. I don’t know how to do a caesar cut, and I am not that great at finger waves (which reminds me, I came across a picture of Tyra Banks on the set of Gossip Girl, with FINGER WAVES. OH FUCK SAKES, STOP TRYING TO BRING THAT SHIT BACK. UGH). I also have so many assignments and essays due next week, and I’m just freaking out so bad. :(
Other things that are getting to me is my parents financial situation, this is something I refuse to go into details about. I think I’ve only told one person everything about it, and refuse to tell anyone else. It’s shitty shitty shitty. Of course I get everything taken out on me. I’m the only one in the house not bringing in any form of income so everything is my fault. I’m sorry I spend 40 hours of my life a week, at school and just simply couldn’t handle having a job. :/ Another thing is my practically non-existent love life. I try and try so hard to be happy with what I have and accept that Edan and I are both busy with our own lives, but I feel so… down about it all the time. I just want to see him… and by the looks of things I won’t see him again until August, or maybe even September… I try to stay positive… but that positivity is fading away. I wish that he was around more so that I could talk to him but all these things I’m feeling lately, but he’s just… not there. :(
Also… I think that theres something wrong with my mom. I can’t seem to convince her to go to the hospital…
My life is slowly falling apart. :( There is so much more stuff I am feeling but just can’t seem to put it into words / don’t want to really talk about it. I come off as this big happy, funny person… but deep down inside, I don’t feel that way at all.
More and more each day, I become even more ocd. Oh god. It’s getting so bad.
Also more and more each day, I’m getting more and more grossed out by poor personal hygiene. I’m sorry but if you don’t shower at least every other day… ew. I never used to care about these sort of things but now that I’m attending beauty school and learning about all the gross diseases and disorders you can get, especially from having poor hygiene, it disgusts me. I’m sorry but not showering for days on end, is not cool. Especially if you’re a female and are on your friggen period. K, I don’t know if you realize, but we can smell your rotten smelling vagina! haha D: I’ve come across girls like this and it’s DISGUSTING!
Life is looking up a bit, I’ve calmed down a lot the past few days. I’ve been kinda keeping to myself and just having really long life chats with Jessica at school. Her and I have become such good friends, and I love her to death. I’m so sick of the drama that’s going on about school, especially when one of the girls lies about what someone said to get another groups approval. I was right there when she got COMPLIMENTED and she goes and tells the other girls she was insulted. Grow up and get out of high school mode… oh wait… you JUST got out of high school last year… GAH. Oh yeah, another annoying thing about school… they have been getting on our cases about having purses and bags in the classroom, how about you guys tell us in person instead of writing us hatemail. Also, get after those who dress like slobs in client days with their tits hanging out and in trackpants. Seriously.
But onto my life, ahaha. Andrew apologized to me for everything he did to me back in December/January. I was not expecting that one at all. I’m obviously over it, and it’s just nice to know that it wasn’t me or anything, and that it was him and not being able to move on. I’m glad that we can be on friendly terms now. Kurt also messaged me yesterday… again. :/ He informed me that he’s coming back to Ontario next week and wants to hang out sometime. Ughhhh, not happening. I don’t want anything to do with that guy. It’s going to suck having to see him everyday at school next semester, which starts September. I’m 100% over him, as I found someone 30x more amazing and just… makes me smile so much. I really hate dudes, and how they try to come back into my life but I am not allowing it at all. I’ve fallen hard for someone, and he’s all that matters.
I’ve been doing well in school again, at the beginning of this semester, I was kind of slacking off and just… wasn’t in school mode. But lately these have been my marks on tests and assignments:
Yay :) I hope I maintain my high GPA and stay on the dean’s list.
I think this quote is perfect.
“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I’m out of control and at times hard to handle, but if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”
-Marilyn Monroe
So true.
I don’t know what I want to do after I’m done school and it scares me.
I had this plan of staying at home, and finding a job in the area for the time being since I don’t have the money to move out right away but that is slowly becoming unappealing. I want away from Oxford County, I want to move somewhere, where I can live big dreams and actually become successful in the hair styling business. But even moving to Toronto sounds unappealing, but I don’t want to be far away from my parents. :( This is so hard. I hate growing up. I never really thought hard about all of this until now. I don’t want to be stuck in this awful hole, and stuck seeing the same people all the time… sigh.
I am a city girl at heart, stuck in the boonies.
In other news,
One of my close friends is getting married in January. I listen every day to her wedding plans, as excited as I am for her, it honestly bums me out so bad… I’ve been through so many failed relationships and seeing so many people getting married lately/engaged is sucky. Not that I want to get married at this age, because I think I’m still a little TOO young yet (aha), but I guess I just want something real, something that’s going to last. I’m so sick of being that girl that guys just sleep with and… chuck away. (frig, I’m actually starting to cry.) I always wonder and wonder if there is something wrong with me, but I’ve been told that there isn’t anything wrong with me, and that things just don’t work out for a reason. I try and try to believe that but I think almost every guy I date ends up:
a) going back to their ex
b) falling for one of my friends
c) ends up being gay or
d) just loses interest in me.
I really have fallen for someone recently though, and I do hope things work and such but it’s just hard with him living 45 minutes away. He also has school, and a personal life, so it’s not like we can see each other any time we want. :( It sucks but I really really do want something to come out of it. He spent my entire birthday weekend with me and it was just incredible with him. If it wasn’t for him honestly, my birthday would have sucked a lot. 12 cupcakes, dinner, and a movie… no one has done something like that for me. Whenever I’m with him, I smile so much and he just makes me happy. I get butterflies like no other around him, and it’s just a nice feeling. Sigh.
I think I’m done rambling. :(
